Search
  • Blaze Arizanov

5 Hilarious Marketing Tricks We Did At StayUncle (That Didn’t Work Out).

Updated: Sep 5, 2019

StayUncle (StayUncle ki jai) has become a patriotic case study of how to ramp up millions in revenue with no advertising budget.


Few of the moves that brought us fame:



It may seem that we booze cool and we crap creativity but in between these hacks there were bunch of others that failed. Some of them were just absurd. Who could have possibly come up with such idiotic moves


Well, eehm……


Here are some of StayUncle’s biggest Marketing flops so far..


Hiring homeless kids at Paharganj


We barely had anything to eat those days!


To make ourselves feel better we decided to hire others who had barely anything to eat. And become undisputed masters of their destinies.


We went in the back alleys of Delhi’s popular Paharganj market.


And ran into some kiddos.


And had sex with them.


**No, we didn’t have sex with them


We told them - Hey little guys, here is a bunch of cards with Couples need a room not a judgement written on them. And here is Rupees 300. You go and distribute them across young people and couples that you see around. Leave it on their lap. After you have succeeded we shall give you another Rupees 500. Understood? And don't get killed.


Their giggly eyes said – Aye sir!


Thirty minutes later we found bunch of our cards around a trash bin.


Oops!!!


I actually believed they will do the task and come back because of the promise for more money.


And don’t you start with your child labor gaga all of a sudden. In my view I was teaching these kids how to do sales. If I wasn’t so noble-ish they would anyways end up being exploited at someone’s chai dhaba for one meal per day.


Call me Blaze Christ!


Organizing Delhi blogger’s dinner


I love group gathering for the intrinsic potential they hold for decaying into group sex.

(I really need to stop writing about sex in this article.)


Was it Ryan Holiday’s advice that made me do this? Yeah, I think it was him, during his tenure at American Apparel.


And I rushed to copy it head on. Oh boy, we were so gonna make StayUncle popular.

I dialed few numbers.


That’s the thing about me, I may be impotent in many things but I am never short of phone numbers to dial and make something, anything happen. Need a DJ? I got the number. Party venue? I got the number. A transgender stripper? Come on it’s not even a challenge. A sudden thunderbolt from Zeus himself? Only one phone call away, babe.


Few nights later and here is me, in the company of presumably Delhi’s finest bloggers.

I paid for the whole dinner and drinks in an expensive restaurant.


Why?


Because Ryan Holidays said so.


The next morning after a strong headache from listening to talks I couldn’t care less about, there was only one tiny blog article about StayUncle. Like really tiny. Pinky finger tiny. But bigger than a tweet.


(I really need to stop talking about size in this article.)


That was it. Nothing for the rest of the week or the month. After spending $200 on that dinner.


Because I wasn’t Ryan Holiday.


And New Delhi isn’t New York.


Hiring the most feared Macedonian in America


I became his biggest and most obsessed fan.


I dreamed the two of us chiseling dark campaigns, hacking millions of minds from some dark basement with exquisite 6G connection, cocks in our hands, never having to meet or have sex with another human being ever again. Just us and our advertising pixels. What a bliss!

While one Macedonian guy was rigging India’s oh-so glorious culture, another one was busy rigging America’s 2016 Presidential elections. Because you know, we Macedonians even rig our way out of our mother’s womb. That’s what we do basically.


I had to meet this guy. I had a very special mission for him. Too twisted to be mentioned here.


It took me a while, but I found him, down in the www’s subterranean realms. The blinking cursor behind, Hey Blaze, sent me into frenzy. Two soulful brothers who have found each other at last.


Alas it didn’t last long.


The guy spitting content pieces by the hundreds such as Hillary Clinton is Pedophile turned not-so mighty in getting StayUncle gazillion more customers. I fired him soon but he never returned the $1000 deposit.


That’s what happens when you mess with a Slav.


Advertising on porn sites


One would think that for a business like StayUncle, advertising on the biggest repositories of “nothing” is a most natural choice. Damn right you are.


The results however were, meeh.


Deeper analysis showed us that the traffic we received was merely bots. Those who weren’t bots blasted it in our face – If I had a partner to go to a hotel with, I wouldn’t be clicking your f*ckin' banner in the first place!


That made lot of sense. Actual people don't click banners. They go and have sex instead.

But guess who had the most fan working out those “placements”


And on top of it we came up with India’s first ever study of how Indians watch porn.


You welcome ;)


Giving discount coupon to RSS members


Once upon a time these guys, the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh were on their way to burn down our office.


Another time they were up to hanging the founders.


Who are they? Our very own Goliath. One of India’s most conservative radical political groups known for oppressing couples on the ground of immorality and preserving India’s oh-so traditional values.


That half brained lot didn’t bite the only well intentioned trap anyone has ever set for them.

(Heavily) discounted hotel rooms for couples.


Thanks but no thanks and Oh, you are so dead, they said. Or something like that.

In between those Hindi rumblings and hate speech in local newspaper articles, I recognized the word Asura. I am pretty sure they didn’t compare me with the mythical demon, right?

But this was way back, some three years ago. These folks have chilled a bit ever since. Maybe because they started having sex?


I really need to stop writing about sex in this article. 




Originally published here

8 views0 comments
Every Friday, 10 am (EST). Our newest stuff straight into your inbox. You can unsubscribe anytime you wish.

Well done. Chat you on Friday!