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  • Blaze Arizanov

6 Corporate Slogans That Were Probably Coined By Drug Addicts

Updated: Sep 21, 2019

Integrating open data spaces.


Technology.


Technology..


Technolo-jesus..


Cloud based disruptive platform – Disrupting the cloud... (oh shit I said cloud twice)


Making the world a better place through cross platform, business facing, cloud …. Sssh, Shit there is that Cloud again…


We wouldn’t be surprised if most companies out there come up with their taglines using Erlich Bachman’s vision quest method.


Let us gracefully peek into such pathbreaking, blitzscaling phrases and corporate slogans that would make veterans like David Ogilvy (and yours truly of course) turn into our graves.


"Elevating world's consciousness."


Talk to me about a phrase that "means nothing by meaning anything."


WeWork’s slogan is the world’s undisputed winner. Aren’t they super ambitious or what? A phrase like this shows that you are mingling with both world and consciousness, those two categories that no one has really figured so far. And then you somehow link these two with coworking spaces and hotdesks.


I don’t think even Erlich Bachman will be enough for this ambitious undertaking, probably a dozen of them. No no, don’t look at me.


This company thinks that they have understood consciousness already so the only thing left is just to raise it up. But what if consciousness is not a vertical but a horizontal phenomenon? That’s just easy, we will just kill the scientist who makes this discovery. Obviously we can’t let all those millions in promoting this gem go in vain, right?


Impossible is nothing


Sounds awful? This is Adidas's tagline. To get the idea about why this tagline sucks just scroll down for a second and see why Change We Believe In is such a good slogan – it goes from abstract to concrete. From dream to action. This tagline incorporates two abstract, intangible words (impossible and nothing) stitched by no action in between which leaves your mind floating nowhere.


We do our business in your mouth


Oooouch!


Really?


You leave too much to the imagination about what that business might be. And what that business might be doing in my mouth of all the places.


Fortunately this is not a slogan of a renowned global company but some obscure family dentist in the USA. But you never know if some overpaid brand manager of a Fortune 500 company might suddenly realize it’s a good one during his mushroom induced session so let us just give an early warning.


From corporate slogans we now move onto individual branding statements and LinkedIn is just full of them. We have picked the winners, ladies and gentlemen


Senior knowledge expert


If company brand managers invoke their slogans in series of dreamy sequences, individual working professionals don’t fall behind either. Like this one. It makes you guilty for not hiring one while at the same time wondering what the hell he is going to do if you happen to hire one of these specimens. What does the guy actually do? Does he know about knowing? How does a junior knowledge expert look like, in case I cannot afford a senior one?


Chief World Builder


What in the world does this guy do? Is he like the manual version of that world engine which Kryptonians used to remake the atmosphere on Earth so that it is suitable for their lungs? Wait, is he hired by aliens?

And can we please leave mother world alone?


"Chief Futurist"


(... implying that perhaps there are junior level Futurists that report to the chief Futurist?) Bitch please..

You are one earthquake away from meeting your maker and you call yourself "Futurist"?


Let us not be all mean and scavenging and highlight few truly good slogans as well.


Change We Believe In


This line was the campaign slogan of Barrack Obama during the presidential elections in 2008. It is a great example of a tagline that works: Invoking a dreamy element (change) which soon become localized and actionable (believe). It sounds cosmic yet brought down to earth to each individual, a dream that suddenly becomes achievable.


We are in the business to save our home planet


This the slogan or rather the mission statement of Patagonia. Simple and straightforward. When was the last time you have seen something that actually makes sense coming after, We are in the business of……..

This is being futurist without having to say so. Like Margaret Tacher once said – If you have to say you are a lady, you aren’t.

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