• Blaze Arizanov

A Conversation With An Estonian Banker

Updated: Sep 14, 2019

The following scene occurred at a nearby branch of LHV Bank in Tallinn

- Excuse me sir, you may now proceed to counter #3, she said wearing a polite smile on her face.

I liked her polite smile. It’s the type of polite smile that makes me want to have sex with the person behind it. To be frank I want to have sex with everybody who smiles politely at me.

The client servicing officer was a novice. I was able to tell by the way you can hear a clear boundary between each spoken word and the next one. So I decided to relax.

- Good afternoon sir, thanks for waiting, you may now have a seat.

- Thank you, Thank you.

- What can I do for you?

- Well here is the deal, I have my personal banking here and my corporate too, but I don’t have a company debit card.

- Oh I see.

… And you know it is kinda annoying to have to pay my invoices from my personal one and then transfer money from my corporate one, time and again.

Yes, it totally makes sense.

(and focused on the computer screen)

….You know, it is not the most productive way for a businessman to spend his time. Logging in and out of dashboards. I am going to be a billionaire one day, you know? And how I can become one if I am stuck with petty operational issues day in, day out?

(radio silence)

- Sir, should we change your delivery address for the card?

- Oh yes, I actually live here nowadays. What are the odds, huh. Your government is really doing kick-ass work. Look at the kind of smart people it is attracting from all over the world. Like me.

(radio silence)

- Sir this is how the card will look like. For corporate debit cards we only have this color.

- Its a nice color

(short typing break)

- Hey, what is that beautiful music playing in the background? Is it Mozart?

(The person moved the head from the computer screen, the neck muscle twitching. The person was clearly getting irritated.)

- Do you happen to know?

- Its Arvo Part.

- Oooh…. So it is not Mozart?

(another neck twitching)

(By that time, I was the loudest person in the premise. There was another clerk nearby humped on his seat as if being stabbed by a Nepali dagger. Estonians and Nordics in general tend to be very quiet people, in banks, in public transportation, everywhere. And they don’t usually express their music interest unsolicited.)

- So great that you are a connoisseur as well. Like me. I love dating music aficionados .

(The person looked at me side-wise. It was the quintessential Estonian poker-face look. Something between Uuuuuuuuuuu, aren’t we naughty! and Should I call the security?)

(20 seconds later….)

- Here you go sir. Make sure you review your application before you go. It will take some 7 working days for the bank card to arrive to your address.

- Seven days from now?

- Yes, well it may take slightly more or less than that. Please don’t be piss……. concerned, if it arrives a bit later.

- No worries I won’t be pissed off, for sure.

(The person folded the palms on the desk as if signaling -Well, if that’s all for now…)

- Yes, thank you very much. Uhm wait. Actually, is it possible to get my card in a different color? My personal debit card looks almost the same and I can easily mix them and that would suck. First World Problems, you know...

(A double neck twitch this time, from both sides)

- Sorry sir, it’s the only color we have

- Oh okay then. Tervi-seks. No, no, I meant to say Nagamist. Goodbye.

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