How NOT To Write A Sales Letter – Example From A CRM Company
The following is a LinkedIn sales message I have received on behalf of a tehnology company:
I am writing to you to understand if your sales team is still using Excel Sheets, Notebooks, Contact & Reminder Apps, Pen Drives, etc. to manage their leads, opportunities, funnel, contacts, communications, quotations, etc?
This eats lot of human bandwidth resulting into scattered information, less productivity & sometimes critical information loss.
How would you feel if every information about your sales team & customers become centralized, which you can access, monitor, approve/dis-approve from any device across the globe, at 24 x 7 basis? This will reduce dependency and will give flexibility & confidence across the hierarchy.
We have a uniquely designed Cloud Based Sales CRM, which gives you a 360-degree visibility of all leads, stages, opportunities, tasks, contacts, e-mail communication history, business funnel, forecast, trends, etc. at 24 x 7 basis.
Has proven to reduce cost & increase closure rate by around 40%-50% YoY.
Would you be interested to explore this amazing & out-of-the-box Sales CRM for your team as well ?
This one at least doesn’t contain typos.
And the guy doesn’t address me with Dear SirMadam.
But that’s pretty much it.
It is nothing more than decent sales letter.
Decent. But not working .
Let’s start dissecting it piece by piece.
"I am writing to you to understand..."
Yes, it is obvious that you are writing.
Get to the point will ya? You have three seconds to hold my attention. We are worse than goldfish in our attention spans, remember?
"How would you feel if…."
This should have been the opening paragraph.
Because it acts like a hook. It puts me into thinking mode immediately, addressing me straight on, with a question.
And it mentions the word "You". As per John Caples, probably the best direct sales copywriter ever:
It is important to keep the self in self-interest. Don’t say “People will enjoy a sense of security when they use the Goodyear Tires”, Say, “You will enjoy a sense of security when you use Goodyear Tires.”
"We have a uniquely designed…."
"Uniquely". One of the long list of so called bankrupted words, used in every imaginable context out there.
Words which suffer semantic overstretch and as a result no longer have any impressionable meaning
Words like "awesome", "cool", "amazing" (which is also used in the letter above), "mission statement". You should avoid bankrupted words.
Excessive use of business jargon
No clear hierarchy of benefits/ no clear value proposition
Rather than establishing a leading feature or benefit of the product and then let others supplement the leader, the salesman spits out a horizontal list of features/benefits, hoping that one of them will appeal to me – “all leads, stages, opportunities, tasks, contacts, e-mail communication history, business funnel, forecast, trends.”
This results in confusion.
All said and done, this salesman can chose an entirely different approach in writing his sales letter
Thumbs up for StayUncle? You guys were listed in Forbes’s Nine Startups to Watch in 2017 right?
StayUncle has been growing like crazy. I am pretty sure that you being a young company haven’t yet sorted out your CRM system. Your data might be scattered across customer support tickets, email inboxes, campaign tools.
Am I right?
How would you feel if you can access all your customers’ info, every single time they have interacted with you in one single dashboard?
And that too in just few clicks?
Why is this such a big deal?
Because the better your interaction data gets captured, the more powerful segments you can build.
And when your customer segments are in order you can reach out to each of them with exact custom message in the exact time and medium that works for them.
And finally when you pamper each client with a message custom designed for him, the ROI gets massive.
Can you imagine the power of addressing every one of your thousands of customers with a message specially tailored for him?
But hey, don’t take my word for it.
Can I share an insider piece of info with you? Here is the exact list of customer interaction points a hospitality company from Britain captured in order to build strong segments and address them with custom message.
You will love this resource.
And you know what Blaze?
I have also prepared an exact list of data points you should be capturing in StayUncle. Would you like me to share it with you?
What’s the difference here?
He does his homework. He discovers that StayUncle was listed by Forbes as one of the Nine startups to Watch in 2017 and uses this as an icebreaker.
He chooses a leading feature, demonstrating simplicity – accessing all my customer info in just few clicks.
He proceeds with explaining why it matters – more organized access to islands of data would lead to better customer segments. That in return would lead to higher ROI.
He asks questions. He ensures my presence and prevents my mind wandering away by directing questions at me on regular intervals.
He avoids using jargon. Instead he translates his product in a series of moments and hooks that match my every day context.
He doesn’t sell. He offers to educate me instead with a relevant example from my own industry. He provides giveaway, thus building trust and credibility first.
Do you want Inkblot Media to train your salesmen how to write better sales copy? Or better yet, write it on your behalf?