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  • Blaze Arizanov

How to Find an Amazing Storyteller When Everyone Else Is A Storyteller

First of all ensure that there is no underage kid nearby.


Are we good?


Good.


Rather than being all preachy on how to recognize a great copywriter/storyteller in an era when everyone is a storyteller I will teach you the specifics, through series of examples.


But first of all – the method.


The method is simple. If the person who wrote any of the examples below is still alive, you should hire him as your copywriter, knowing you have done the best choice.


If he is dead, you should hire the second best


Prolix of copywriters

A panic of account people

A grid of designers

An eight point of art director

An overthink of strategists


Okay I only have one word:


Cool.


I could not come with something remotely as awesome. Okay, maybe just one:


A mountain of trees


That’s it. That’s the best I can do.


The person who wrote this is still alive - George Tannenbaum, the current Executive Creative Director at Ogilvy. By all means, feel free to hire him.


But since he is not dead but almost always busy and booked, you might as well consider hiring the second best.


"Bye, bye, Miss American Pie

Drove my Chevy to the levee

But the levee was dry"


Words are obsolete here. Whomsoever wrote this gem you should definitely hire as your copywriter.


If he is not available or he is currently attending to the whims of Virgin Mary or he is simply dead, you can always consider hiring the second best.


"Moloch in whom I sit lonely!

Moloch in whom I dream Angels!

Crazy in Moloch!

Cocksucker in Moloch!"


You should definitely, definitely, most definitely hire the person who wrote this to be your copywriter. You should definitely hire anyone who uses the word “cocksucker” as your copywriter.


But since that person is dead you can always consider hiring the second best.


"If when you remove the rock from its box it appears that it is excited, place it on some old newspapers. The rock will know what the paper is for and will require no further instructions. It will remain on the paper until you remove it."


Gary Dahl wrote the Pet Rock Training Guide in 1975 which I consider one of the best pieces of copywriting work ever.


It is so outrageously good that people used to order the rock and paid for it just to get the manual. We basically worship Gary here at Inkblot Media and some of us plan to name our kids after him.


You should definitely hire Gary Dahl as your copywriter. If he is dead, you can always consider hiring the second best.


Shit fucked banana faced


Whomsoever is able to put up a phrase like this should definitely be hired as your copywriter. If that person is dead you can always consider hiring the second best.


In 2012, SuperDuper Company perfected the process of packaging natural sawdust in squirrel intestines. That year we produced and sold 100,000 liters of sawdust generating 8,000,000 euros in revenue from the lubricants market. 


You should definitely hire the person who wrote this. If he is dead or he is going through a painful divorce procedure you can always consider hiring the second best.


What does a Marwari do when his house catches fire? He gives the fire department a missed call


Whomsoever wrote this exquisite, Pulitzer-worthy piece of journalism should definitely be hired as your copywriter. If he is dead you can always consider hiring the second best.


"We are not in the business of putting cock rings in the hands of little girls"


This line originates from year 1993 by the spokesperson of Mattel company, maker of the universally popular Barbie doll.


The company launched a male doll called Earring Magic Ken who was supposed to be the boyfriend of Barbie, sporting an earring on his left ear, a purple mesh shirt, lavender vest and a thick chrome ring worn on a necklace. 


Within weeks the world (not the Internet) dubbed him Cock Ring Ken. The rest is, as they say, history. The first ever homosexual appeared that year and the world was never to be the same again.


But to get to the point. Whomsoever publicly announces that they are not in the business of "putting cock rings in the hands of little girls" should definitely be hired as your copywriter.


If he is dead, you can always consider hiring the second best.

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