• Blaze Arizanov

The Donald Trump Guide to Onboarding Female Employees

Updated: Sep 23, 2019

I am certain that what follows below will be taken in its rightful context.

I am a male in the bloom of his youth, attractive and sexually active, not an old divorcee in his 50s with barely any sex life, going to the gym in order to be able to feast his eyes with buttocks of (veritable) MILFs. So why would I be evil or idiot or some bloody misogynist for goodness sake…

Take note of the female employees onboarding guide, practiced by no one else but the most powerful man in the world. That has to count for something, right?

If she keeps interrupting everybody?

Being seen but not heard is one of the toughest thing for women to learn, especially those who've gone to women's colleges or have participated in organizations like the Girl Scouts which purport to liberate them through sales- and leadership training.

If she's certainly not hot.

Say she's a horseface like Stormy Daniels. Or, like Cher, has had massive plastic surgeries that didn't work. Don't point these things out because you could be sued. Just put her in an insignificant department like accounting or finance.

If she's got freckles.

You're going to want to get a closer look at her chest. Are you into freckles? She's probably deeply troubled and therefore great in bed. How come the deeply troubled women — deeply, deeply troubled — they're always the best in bed?

If you catch her watching Law and Order

Good girl. That’s a really good girl. Tap her on her shoulder. I repeat, on her shoulder. If she is a migrant, watching something like Law and Order means that she is keen on being a law abiding citizen and a diligent employee. She is clearly a good ombre.

If she starts asking questions

Observe her hand. Does she hold a pen in her hand? She is not supposed to have a pen in her hands. That means she is dangerous and she could no doubt use that pen against you. That pen could easily be used for bodily harm. That pen could easily have been a knife. Is this how she repays your generous employment offer?

If she finds your advance disgusting

What is she, a monk? Is she dressed in black? No, right? Is this a monastery? Hell no, it is a business enterprise, right? Hence she couldn’t not be a monk. Pure deduction. (and what but deduction is a savvy businessman’s most powerful tool in his kitty?) Therefore, she is eligible for being advanced at. If not by you, she will definitely be advanced by someone else. Does she give a smirk upon your act? What nonsense. Is this so utterly disgusting? People die every day, they chop people’s heads in Syria or drown them in rivers, that’s disgusting, alright. Not a man advancing on a woman.

If she objects on you knowing her Gsuite password

Say it’s a company policy and applicable for all women in the company. Say that whenever women require private inboxes or private email servers, they are up to no good. What, does she have something to hide? It is not like you have requested access to her home email ID, right?

If she is a feminist

Remind her that all feminists are ugly. Just look at Sarah Jessica Parker, voted the Unsexiest Woman Alive. Or Arianna Huffington whose husband left her for a man. There is not a single feminist which the very Universe itself has not bequeathed her with the worst punishment ever.

If she is a Muslim

Remind her (again) that she is not supposed to have an opinion or ask questions. Isn’t that after all against some of the tenets of Islam? Respecting religious and other minorities is one of the core tenets of your organizations and you as its chief leader will damn make sure they are widely promoted.

If she is in her period.

Make her aware that your organization is not a place for drawing that first blood.

If she is not writing well

Did you hire her in your content marketing department? Her work proves disappointing? Remind her that if she keeps writing bad, she will have to work on her ass. Because hey it doesn’t really matter how they write as long as they have a good ass. So she should either get better at her work or get her ass better. It’s a logical proposition and also proves that you are keen on motivating your stuff. Like every good boss would.

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Well done. Chat you on Friday!